MY STORY: MASTURBATION (part 2)

                                                                        

God had better plans for me. 

Life without this boy was sort of a new life for me. With God's grace, I managed to get over the whole issue and focused on my life. 

At various points in time, whenever i'd seen pictures or anything linking to sex, it stimulated me to masturbate. 1 out of 5 times, I managed to resist it but the other 4, it happens like I was not the person doing it. 

I felt used and dumbed after every incident. I cried, prayed and begged God for mercy, grace and strength after each one. 

There were times were I just wanted to give up and walk away from God but I knew i'd never find happiness outside Him. So I managed to move on with His grace and endless mercy. 

At 18, I met a guy from college who was soo persuasive about us having sex together. This guy could talk sex the whole day if he had the chance to. Coincidently, we shared the same birthday, month and year. This made me feel that there was a purpose for our meeting each other. 

Well, I felt wrong. All he wanted was to have sex with a 'Christian virgin girl'. (At least he made his intentions clear).  As much as I really wanted to give it a try, I really wanted to please God too and I knew fore sure that God would definitely not be pleased if I did. 

I tried talking to the guy about God but it seemed to create more room for him to talk dirty to me. I was not disturbed about this at the time and I just kept praying. 

After a while, it began to seem like he was raising threats to beat me if i didn't do certain things. I prayed, told adults around me and I think I handled the issue well with God's grace and that was the end. The guy stopped bothering me. Guess what though?

The things he had said, the way he had said them came running through my mind. Day after day, night after night. I tried to wipe them off, but to no avail till one faithful night, I had fallen for my weakness again and this time, I had had enough! I just could not stop hitting myself on the wall and throwing myself to the ground. 

I felt filthy and disgusted with the way I fell into temptations. 

I got tired of asking for mercy. 

The bible verse 'What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?'  (Romans 6:1-2) kept ringing in my head. 

I did not know what else to do.  Deep in my heart, I still believed that God would forgive me. But I kept thinking of what could happen to my ministry, my future, my body, my spirit being, my blessings and many thoughts came rushing through my head. 

Above all, the thought that God is merciful even though there may be consequences to my sin. 

The thought that God can see my heart and He knows the desire I have to know Him. 

The thought that His mercy is endless like the sea. 

Those thoughts started to grow and I knelt down in pain, tears and a heart of full repentance and asked for mercy for the 100th time (not exactly)! 

(To be continued.)