MY STORY: MASTURBATION (part 3)

                                                                   

As I prayed, i felt comfort, one that i've never felt before. I could not comprehend it!  

"How is it that i just sinned and God is so close to me, comforting me?!" I wondered. 

The spirit within me led me to listen to Joyce Meyer and i learnt to 'lay my burdens at His feet' 

I slept off as I listened to the sermon full of peace and rest of mind. 

That morning, i dreamt and saw myself singing at the pulpit Jamie Grace; Beautiful day. The congregation was singing with me and so was my sister. After a while, they stopped singing and I kept singing as i smiled and watched then take their seats. 

Suddenly, began to feel someone coming towards me. I turned to my left and behold, was a very tall dark man.  He smiled at me and I assumed that everyone else had seen Him walk towards me so I looked at the congregation but they seem not to have noticed this man at all. That amazed me. I looked back to the man and asked "who are you?" 

"It is so sad that most people do not know hoe much I love them." He replied to me. 

He kissed me on my left cheek twice and I felt that was God that had spoken to me! I felt like the most blessed person on earth! I felt soo grateful n thankful that He could come so close to me when i just committed sexual sin! 

Weeks went by and I was standing strong. I avoided watching most movies, using most social networks, unfollowed people that posted or reposted inappropriate posts and yeah, i lived like i wanted to. Though i was not too close to God as I would have loved to, i knew I was living a sinless life. 

I reunited with someone i had not seen for quite a while and he invited me to visit him. He had shown his interest on getting into a long-term relationship with him that may lead to marriage. Though my spirit wasn't willing, I felt i could give it a go. So i agreed to go out on a date with him. He was very nice and I had fun. We went to a park though, and there, he tried to touch my breasts. I firmly resisted this though I was quite in a shock. After this, i really did not want anything to do with him anymore. 

He rang and apologised for his attempt and made it clear to me that he won't touch me like that again if i do not want to and asked for another day out. 

During these times, i was sooo weak spiritually. I barely prayed from my heart. Only just uttered words of prayers that I did not really mean. 

Anyway, we went out and I; me, I suggested we go to a park nearby... (All because i just loved this particular park) he liked the idea n eh, we did go. 

After a long walk and talk, we decide to sit and chill. It was quite windy and cold. 

I felt quite comfortable to get closer to him to get warm... and this time, i could not stop myself from having two love bites at the end of it all. At some points, while he caressed me, I was asking if what we were doing was right or wrong. I wasn't sure! He told me it didn't matter as long as we were going to be together. 

Deep in my heart, I felt the urge to stop and walk away but nahh! I just could not help the sensational feeling. This was the first time a guy had touched me the way he did. 

God so kind still, I was on my period and I just could not let him kiss me. That would have been my first kiss at 19 with a guy i did not really love. 

My sister started to ring my phone after a while as i had been away from home for a while. She was worried and concerned of what was going on. She had feelings that i had sex with Him. 

Anyways, her calls set us on our way back. I felt soooooo terrible, ashamed used and wasted when I got off that bench. I could not look at the face of d guy any more. I got angry and felt like throwing myself to the ground. Bt i thought of ways to comfort myself and started to pinch myself. As we walked out of the park tears rolled down my eyes in shame, regret n reproach. I could not blame the boy afterall, i let loose of my own dignity. 

I managed to tell my sister what had happened and geezz! She encouraged me to an extent that I felt great about myself again. 

I prayed that night like I had not done in a while and i was inspired to write a book. As I woke up, i wrote all i had seen and then thought to myself that my life must be going the way it is for a purpose. Maybe for you guys to learn from. 

After two days, I started to think back to the incident and the park and the spirit came over me again. I started to masturbate... I had made a promise to God after the dream never to masturbate again but i just broke that promise. Like seriously?! What on earth was wrong with me?! 

Few days after, there was a prayer meeting at our house and the pastor that came singled me out and prayed for me! He prayed all I needed him to pray; as if he knew my story. I was soo filled with the Holy Spirit that night. 

I noticed that whenever i fell from grace, I got closer to God when I prayed. This was because at the times when i was 'free' i didn't spend as much time as I should have with God: reason why I fall for temptations that came my way. 

Advice: whenever you get close to God, try hard not to slack but make the distance to Him even closer each day. How? Just a sincere prayer from deep in your heart morning and evening can keep you going. 

I had broken a so-called promise I made to God and geez. I know what that could result to. Indeed, God is merciful. As I write now, I am hoping that I keep been strong to overcome the temptation whenever it comes again. 

God still uses me, inspires me, helps me and supports me. Though I do not know what would happen to me in the future, I am sure God would give me the strength to go through. 

One thing I forgot to add, at various points where prayed for help, I was led to various motivating and soul lifting/resurrecting verses. I kept record of all of these verses and my favourite was/is 2 Cor 12:7-10. Vs 9 says ' each time He told me, my grace is all you need. My power works beat in weaknesses. So now, I can boast in my weaknesses so that that the power of Christ can work through me". 

This did not give me a licence to keep falling voluntarily to my weakness, but it gave me the power I needed when I fell after my souls has struggled and been defeated by my flesh. 

God used those verses as my backbone spiritually.